he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
