There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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