The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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