you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
