i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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