you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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