Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
