well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
