Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
