Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
