my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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