Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
