k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
