Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
