Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
