Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
