I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
