Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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