you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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