the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
