and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
