I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
