I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
