so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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