how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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