Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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