My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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