On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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