you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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