True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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