Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
