My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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