You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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