It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
