My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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