I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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