It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
