My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
