I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
