I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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