im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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