she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
me + whiskey = a bad person
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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