9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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