For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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