I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
