does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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