well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
