I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
