She is in my trunk
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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