Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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