Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
