she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
